she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize