Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
