i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
