I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
