I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
