I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
