you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
