I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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