you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
