my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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