I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
