I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
