I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
