Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
