I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
