Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
