If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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