I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
