she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
