I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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