My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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