Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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