I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
