:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
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I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
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When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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