I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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