The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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