I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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