Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
