How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
