So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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