Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
