Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Randomize
