The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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