I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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