I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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