Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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