Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
