Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
