First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
