Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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