please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
