Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
