just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
