highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize