i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
