wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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