Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
