I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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