I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
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i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
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You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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