I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
