Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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