the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
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