You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
