You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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