my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
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at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
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Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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