I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
