all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
